A quibble with the 100 things not to do

Some of you have asked me to comment on a New York Time article by Bruce Buscell titled "100 things restaurant staffers should never do (part 1)"

Many of things are just common sense and normal human decency like # 1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting. Or #2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.

Other "don'ts" aren't quite as black and white. I disagree with the following don'ts for the following reasons:

7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.

Studies have shown that waiters who tell guests their names make better tips. I believe it's because the person your serving is forced to remember that you're a person/fellow human being and that might lead him or her to think you, like him or her, have bills to pay and feelings that would be hurt by inconsiderate tips. Maybe saying your name would be out of line in some stiff restaurants where guests prefer to think of their waitress as a servant.

11. Do not hustle the lobsters. That is, do not say, “We only have two lobsters left.” Even if there are only two lobsters left.

If it's a busy night in the restaurant where you're dining and you want lobster, would you want to know there are only two left? Just asking.

17. Do not take an empty plate from one guest while others are still eating the same course. Wait, wait, wait.

I hate sitting there with an empty plate in front of me and I hate having a full plate in front of me when I'm finished, that stands whether the person I'm with is finished or not. Take it away, I say. And that's why I clear plates before everyone is finished. Some people even hand me their plates while their companions are still scooting peas around with their forks.

31. Never remove a plate full of food without asking what went wrong. Obviously, something went wrong.

What if the guest doesn't want to talk about it? She has diarrhea or the guy she's with called her fat?

32. Never touch a customer. No excuses. Do not do it. Do not brush them, move them, wipe them or dust them.

What if they're wearing something really soft?

37. Do not drink alcohol on the job, even if invited by the guests. “Not when I’m on duty” will suffice.

Isn't free booze part of the employee benefit package at most restaurants? No health insurance or paid vacation, but a free glass of wine to take the edge off those mean rednecks who stiffed you can make it possible to smile at the next table that asks for sweet tea.

38.Do not call a guy a “dude.”

Even if he has long blond hair and wears board shorts?

40. Never say, “Good choice,” implying that other choices are bad.

I disagree with this one in earnest. It makes the guest feel accomplished. It's not that other choices are bad, but this person is special and identified the best thing on the menu all by him or herself. I feel proud of myself when waiters congratulate me on my choice and I like to reward my cleverest customers with a little proverbial pat on the back.

42. Do not compliment a guest’s attire or hairdo or makeup. You are insulting someone else.

So not true. If I compliment your date's sense of style, I'm simultaneously complimenting yours.

43. Never mention what your favorite dessert is. It’s irrelevant.

Unless it really is the best.

49. Never mention the tip, unless asked.

Or if it's a foreigner who has left you 3 percent and you feel it's your duty to all the servers this European will stiff after you on his vacation. Letting him leave without a gentle, "was there something wrong with the service?" and brief explanation of U.S. tipping customs is like setting your friend up with a guy you know has Herpes.

The one that got away

I have decided that quitting a job is a lot like breaking up with a significant other.

I have nearly no experience with break-ups. I’ve only broken up with one boy –– ever. Luckily, we did it twice, so I got twice the experience out of the one relationship. One of the break-ups was a nice, civilized “let’s be friends” break-up and the other was one of those “I hate you and hope you have many divorces and never find happiness” types. In that order, clearly.

While I have precious little experience ending romantic entanglements, I have walked away from well over 100 jobs. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve had more jobs than anyone else I have ever known - even people with decades on me. I even had a competition a few years back with the one person I thought might hold a candle to my employment inferno. I won by a bar napkin full of employers.

To be fair, most of these employers weren’t looking for anything serious from me. They never asked for or wanted a commitment. Some of the jobs lasted only one day, others just a week or two, and we both knew at the start that was how it would be. I always left knowing I could knock on the door if I wanted back in and they could call if they wanted me back. But usually it wasn’t worth the effort. It was more exciting to find another short-term offer somewhere else.

Even my more serious long-term and meaningful jobs have been paired with mistress service positions – PBS and Applebees in New York, The Post Independent and The Brickyard Restaurant in Western Colorado and now The News&Guide and The Gun Barrel in Jackson Hole.

I’ve come to the realization that I’m a sort of slutty employee.

But, gosh darn it, I’m a good employee. I have a serious work ethic and always want to feel like I’m doing a good job. I’ll sell more Panasonic cameras than any of the other promo people. I’ll get more poor fools to sign up for an MNBA credit card with a bad interest rate than anybody else with a stack full of oversized free tee-shirts. I’ll file the beegeezes out of your moldy paperwork. I’ll sign up a record number of roughnecks for your Shell gas card and I’ll write so many newspaper stories in a single sitting that I forget how to spell my own name.

But I digress.

I’ve left a lot of jobs. I’ve never been fired. I’ve never been laid off (though I’ve always kind of wanted a severance). And I’ve never left on bad terms. I’ve always left feeling like I could go back and my old employer would be happy to have me.

Can you imagine if this was romantic relationships? What a bitch, right? Who do I think I am? A girl like that will end up alone and miserable – or at least, we all secretly hope she will.

And maybe I will end up unemployed and desperate. Or at least, maybe you secretly hope I will.

I don’t know. But it’s rough this time around. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older and I feel like I should have some semblance of stability in my life. Most of my friends are buying houses, getting married, having babies, those things adults do. Or maybe it’s because this has been the most amazing job I’ve ever had. I mean the News&Guide. Though I also doubt I’ll ever find a restaurant as well organized, relaxed, consistent and lucrative as the Gun Barrel has been.

I have two weeks left at the News&Guide. The editors there are the best I’ve ever worked with. They care about the paper. The owners, who live in town and work in the office with us, love the paper and care about it. The people who write for the paper care about the community and care about their work as reporters. There is so much passion in that office. I have a feeling the New York Times staff would be jealous if they came to visit.

I have grown at the News&Guide. I’m better for having worked there. But it’s also the most independent job I think there is, aside from maybe working at Google. I make my own schedule. There’s a priority in the office on balance and the outdoors. I’m sure I’ll never find that with another job. The News&Guide has ruined me for other employers. I don’t know if I will ever be able to work for someone again.

When I decided not to go to graduate school this spring, a big part of my decision was that I loved the News&Guide and I loved Jackson. I was so in love. But all along, I’ve wondered if this paper and this town was “the one.”

If I’d been sure, I never would have applied for graduate school to begin with. There’s something out there. I’m not sure what I’m looking for, but I think that just increases my chances of finding “it.”

So, yet again I’m leaving on good terms. And if I find out I can’t live without this life, I hope, I can come back.

I only ever break up with employers in that “we can still be friends” way. It’s just hard because I want to run to the editors and say, “it’s not you, it’s me.” I know they’ve heard it all before a hundred times. They’ve taken so many break-ups over the years from young adventurous reporters coming and going, they do it like professionals. It’s not that big of a deal.

And even though I know this is the right thing to do and the healthy thing to do, I still sometimes cry when I think about it and sort of want them to come chasing after me saying “don’t go, don’t go, we love you.”

And I know that for the rest of my life, I will wonder how it would have been if I’d decided to stay forever.

The last supper

I served my last buffalo prime rib last night.

It was a bitter-sweet and rather unceremonious event. As the season winds down, the traffic at the restaurant has slowed to a miserable crawl. The chef kept track of the number of dinners we served by leisurely writing numerals on the backs of stabbed meal tickets in the food window. We were up to 55 by the time I finished my shift at 8:30. This is a restaurant that serves more than 500 dinners a night in the summer.

The last day of the season before the restaurant closes for five weeks is supposed to be Halloween. But it’s been slow enough lately that the owner told the hostess not to make reservations for later in the week without getting phone numbers. He might close early.

We spent most of the night hiding in the manager’s office so we wouldn’t feel compelled to annoy our few customers with relentless service. There were only four of us, where there are usually 10. Someone pulled up “The drunkest man in America” video on YouTube and we watched a stumbling idiot sway into a liquor store on a surveillance tape. He managed to get a case of beer before hanging on to the cooler door for dear life as he fell backward. He straightened out and grabbed another cooler door before falling on his back. This video is four minutes long and for most of it, the guy looks like an upside-down June bug clawing at the air.

I had four tables last night. The first one was a couple hunters who I think felt sorry for me. One of them tipped generously – $10 on a $30 check. My next table was filled with four folks, two couples from Alabama. They asked for sweet tea.

Sweet tea is the kiss of death. Any time someone asks for sweet tea, I know they will tip poorly, sometimes so poorly I would have been better off if they’d never come. On busy nights, those who ask for sweet tea are automatically my lowest priority. I’m not sure what it is. Perhaps those who don’t get north of the Mason-Dixon line much didn’t have to take math classes in school or maybe they just don’t get out much or maybe people in the south come from a non-tipping culture like the French, which would be really sad for waiters in the south who I’m sure still only make $2.50 an hour. (No offense to my Southern friends. I know not everyone from the south is a bad tipper). Not sure. But most of the time I’d rather wait on a British person who I know will tip me 10 percent.

Last night, however, I was not busy. So my table from Alabama was my top priority. They all ordered frozen beverages. Each of them got a different tasty blended drink. The bartender hates making frozen drinks.

“Is this how you want me to remember you, Amanda?” he chided.

Despite their bad beverage decisions, they were nice people. They were just starting their vacation and they’d never seen the Tetons before. They were excited. I do love Americans on vacation. We have so little time off. It’s always so precious to the people who eat at our restaurant and they’re typically really excited to be away from their usual lives.

They asked why they hadn’t been able to find any drink Koozies in Wyoming. (Koozies are those foam sleeves that fit around a can of beer or soda to keep it cold in hot weather). I told them it doesn’t get very hot here so the extra insulation isn’t necessary.

“But don’t your hands get cold?”

“I suppose so” I admitted. One of the gentlemen handed me a camouflage Koozie from his construction company as a gift to keep my hands warm while drinking cold beverages. I was touched, though I secretly hoped he didn’t think it was my tip.

They weren't too bad for sweet tea folks. They left $20 on a $150 check. That's more than 13 percent – better than a Brit.

I’ve loved my years at the restaurant. The summers are so busy and chaotic that it took me a few seasons to get my sea legs. I feel like I can handle it now and I’m sorry to go. I love talking to the people who dine there. They come from everywhere. There are all kinds of people at this restaurant in a way I don’t think there will be at any other restaurant I work in after this. The reason for the diversity is that America’s greatest national parks appeal to every type of person and if the parks don’t bring them, the ski resort will.

I have waited on friendly, happy people, angry sour and bitter people, people who are so stingy they make their waiters pay to serve them and generous people who leave so much I’ll remember their kindness forever.

These are the highlights.

The worst: A table of five red necks – two couples and one moderately attractive young guy. They spent the whole night drinking bottomless pitchers of Bud Light and kept suggesting I go out with the single guy. They even gave me his number. Their bill was $300. They left $7 as a tip. Then they asked me where I was going when I got off so I could meet up with them. I sent them to the one bar I knew I wouldn’t visit that night and daydreamed about what I would say to them if they ever sat in my section again.

The best: The crowd changes at the restaurant in the late season, which starts in September. We call our clientele “newly weds and nearly deads.” It’s all young couples and retired people who don’t have school-age children. There was one cute older couple who came into the restaurant on a night this September when I was having a particularly tough time enjoying myself. The woman just ordered side dishes, no entrée. The man asked for ground pepper and I had to run around the restaurant to find the grinder because it was missing from where it belonged. They were nice people. We didn’t talk much. I don’t think I even asked where they were from. Their bill was $63. They left me a $110 tip for a total of $173. I will remember their generosity forever.

One day, when I am rich, I will run around leaving ridiculously big tips for absolutely no reason at all. Other than to brighten the day of my sever.

How is it so easy to drink a whole bottle of wine alone?

So, it was a good weekend at the restaurant. On a night when I expected to be sent home the moment I walked through the door, I ended up selling almost $1,000 worth of food and drinks. Somehow, the off-season isn’t nearly as mind-numbing and boring as I remember.

The extra padding in my wallet has left me feeling spendy. I bought a bottle of wine Monday night. I like Penguin cabernet because it tastes good and costs $6.99 at the liquor store next to my favorite grocery.

But I’ve always got an eye out for a deal. I bought something different Monday in celebration of my roommate’s homecoming. She’s been gone for a month. It’s just been me and the mice, who I serenaded once or twice in hopes they would feel compelled to help me clean the condo and maybe make a gown for the ball.

I splurged Monday and spent and extra $2 on a pinot noir that normally costs $10.99.

The wine was great. My roommate drank her share and we had a nice night of cooking and listening to “This American Life” together.

The next day, I went back to the liquor store. I took another bottle of the pinot noir off the shelf and walked toward the counter. Then I remembered that the people who work at this liquor store seemed to be recognizing me lately. The Russian girl behind the counter asked me, “what was your birthday, again?” the last two times I bought bottles here instead of, “can I see your ID?”

I contend this is because she recognizes me and not because I’ve suddenly started looking old.

There are some places where you like to be known – the cafe where you get eggs Benedict, the post office, the bakery, even the deli counter at the grocery – nice wholesome places where you long for a friendly face and where it feels warm and comforting for everyone to know your name.

And then there’s the liquor store.

So, I went back and picked up a bottle of the old standby Penguin. Two bottles. That should hold me over for a while, I thought, at least long enough for the Russian girl to forget my birthday again.

I got home and poured myself a glass, took a shower and started watching a movie on the Internet. I worship the Internet and it’s magic powers to bring absolutely anything I want to see to my little 8” by 10” screen, even if the words don’t always match the lip movements of the characters. No one is perfect, not even the Internet.

After watching a 30-minute TV show, with pauses for buffering, and a feature-length film, with pauses for buffering, and surfing the Argentine classifieds on Craigslist.org, I looked over and noticed my wine glass was empty. I went back downstairs to get some more. I tipped the bottle and a finger-nail’s worth of my $8 pinot noir poured into the glass.

A few minutes later, my friend Cara texted me.

“How is it so easy to drink a bottle of wine alone?”

I was just wondering that.

Oh well, at least I had the Penguin for tonight.